Today I have been doing a bit of thinking. I received a call a little after noon, from a fellow diabetic who is a senior at a high school in Rhode Island. Her senior project is all about diabetes, she is looking to interview me as part of the project. I'm more than happy to help out but as I hung up the phone I started to think a lot. How have I gone from not doing anything right diabetes wise and life wise to a "role model". Honestly I really don't like the role model title, the only reason I'm an advocate for diabetes is because I did everything wrong for a good ten years. When I say I shouldn't be alive that’s not to add drama to my story, it's the truth. I now do everything I can to make sure that children living with diabetes don’t go down the path that I did. The sad truth is that many do and many are not with us anymore.
For a good hour or so I tried to return myself to my high school and college years. The truth is I feel that I need to apologize to everyone in my life during this time. Starting with my parents, I put them through hell. I don’t know how it feels to raise a child, from what I've heard, a child quickly becomes your life. My parents gave me every opportunity to succeed and time after time I failed. For ten years I was not right mentally or physically. I took a lot of my anger out on my parents and they didn’t deserve it. I know that I can't fix the past but I feel that I now have a huge weight on my shoulders. I feel that I have a second chance and that I better do the things that I should’ve done in my twenties.
I also feel that I owe friends of this time a huge apology. I have lost a lot of friends during this time due to my mental state. Mentally I was not there; my high blood sugars caused a lot of rage and anger. A lot of this anger was taken out on friends. All I can say is that I'm sorry and for the select few that have stayed close I can’t thank you enough for everything that you have done and what you have meant to me. One friend in particular comes to mind. I worked with this individual for almost eight years. He is a few years younger than me and when he began working at the golf course at age fifteen I knew that this kid was a good kid. As we worked together more and more our friendship began to grow. This was during the worse times of my life. I was always looking for someone to help me get my life back. This person was right there to help and I pushed him away, I believe if I swallowed my pride and asked him for help the ten years of not taking care of myself would have been only three. As he grew and started to accomplish things academically and thru hockey he began to work less and less at the golf course. We stayed in touch, having conversations here and there but nothing more. The summer after my surgery he returned back to the course for some summer work. At this time I was on light duty due to my surgery. He asked me what had happened and was truly concerned. After telling the story about my blood clot and my struggles with diabetes he was very genuine and did everything he could to make me feel better while at work. One day in particular sticks out, it was a late summer day and we were sitting and talking. He asked me how my pump worked, other than my wife he was the first person to genuinely care. He really wanted to know how everything worked. The conversation went on for hours and every topic in our lives was discussed, one in particular sticks out. We got on the subject of how "sick" I was when he began working at the course. He told me how a lot of the people we worked with, including himself were honestly scared of me. They never knew what would happen next. I could go from happy to angry in a second; I would often take out a lot of my anger on them and not know it. This was the first time I was given a true glimpse in to how bad things really were for me. From that point on we have become closer and better friends. My wife and I were recently invited to his wedding; I can’t explain how much this meant to me. He is one of the few people who are still close to me after the very bad and now the good. I feel as though he's a brother to me. Although he's a little younger I look up to him as if he’s the big brother. I often will turn to him for help and advice; I can’t explain how it feels to have a friend who has stuck by thru everything. If he does read this I would truly like to thank him.
I do owe a huge apology to my wife as well. I'm not the person she married, what she fell in love with was a lie. Every day with her is a gift, I don’t deserve someone like her after everything that went on. If a coworker was scared I can only imagine how she felt sometimes. She got a lot more of the bad side than anyone else. I can't go in to details because I won’t be able to handle reliving what I put her thru.
As I wrap this blog up I can’t explain how much better I feel after writing that. It's something I've wanted to say to people in my life but could never do, I would be crying way too much to get everything out. With that said I hope my keyboard works later after the number of tears that fell in to it as I wrote. I'd like to say thank you to everyone in my life and without you who knows where I would be.
For a good hour or so I tried to return myself to my high school and college years. The truth is I feel that I need to apologize to everyone in my life during this time. Starting with my parents, I put them through hell. I don’t know how it feels to raise a child, from what I've heard, a child quickly becomes your life. My parents gave me every opportunity to succeed and time after time I failed. For ten years I was not right mentally or physically. I took a lot of my anger out on my parents and they didn’t deserve it. I know that I can't fix the past but I feel that I now have a huge weight on my shoulders. I feel that I have a second chance and that I better do the things that I should’ve done in my twenties.
I also feel that I owe friends of this time a huge apology. I have lost a lot of friends during this time due to my mental state. Mentally I was not there; my high blood sugars caused a lot of rage and anger. A lot of this anger was taken out on friends. All I can say is that I'm sorry and for the select few that have stayed close I can’t thank you enough for everything that you have done and what you have meant to me. One friend in particular comes to mind. I worked with this individual for almost eight years. He is a few years younger than me and when he began working at the golf course at age fifteen I knew that this kid was a good kid. As we worked together more and more our friendship began to grow. This was during the worse times of my life. I was always looking for someone to help me get my life back. This person was right there to help and I pushed him away, I believe if I swallowed my pride and asked him for help the ten years of not taking care of myself would have been only three. As he grew and started to accomplish things academically and thru hockey he began to work less and less at the golf course. We stayed in touch, having conversations here and there but nothing more. The summer after my surgery he returned back to the course for some summer work. At this time I was on light duty due to my surgery. He asked me what had happened and was truly concerned. After telling the story about my blood clot and my struggles with diabetes he was very genuine and did everything he could to make me feel better while at work. One day in particular sticks out, it was a late summer day and we were sitting and talking. He asked me how my pump worked, other than my wife he was the first person to genuinely care. He really wanted to know how everything worked. The conversation went on for hours and every topic in our lives was discussed, one in particular sticks out. We got on the subject of how "sick" I was when he began working at the course. He told me how a lot of the people we worked with, including himself were honestly scared of me. They never knew what would happen next. I could go from happy to angry in a second; I would often take out a lot of my anger on them and not know it. This was the first time I was given a true glimpse in to how bad things really were for me. From that point on we have become closer and better friends. My wife and I were recently invited to his wedding; I can’t explain how much this meant to me. He is one of the few people who are still close to me after the very bad and now the good. I feel as though he's a brother to me. Although he's a little younger I look up to him as if he’s the big brother. I often will turn to him for help and advice; I can’t explain how it feels to have a friend who has stuck by thru everything. If he does read this I would truly like to thank him.
I do owe a huge apology to my wife as well. I'm not the person she married, what she fell in love with was a lie. Every day with her is a gift, I don’t deserve someone like her after everything that went on. If a coworker was scared I can only imagine how she felt sometimes. She got a lot more of the bad side than anyone else. I can't go in to details because I won’t be able to handle reliving what I put her thru.
As I wrap this blog up I can’t explain how much better I feel after writing that. It's something I've wanted to say to people in my life but could never do, I would be crying way too much to get everything out. With that said I hope my keyboard works later after the number of tears that fell in to it as I wrote. I'd like to say thank you to everyone in my life and without you who knows where I would be.
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