As I laid in bed watching a baseball game I started to cry thinking about when I would go to bed without knowing my blood sugar or knowing how much insulin I had in my system. I started to think about the nights where I wouldn't fall asleep until 2am because I was scared I wouldn't wake up. I also thought about the nights that alcohol was the reason I fell asleep. For ten years I played Russian Roulette each night I climbed into bed, I don't know why I was victorious each morning but I would wake up with no problems. For the past six years I have had amazing control and have been able to fall asleep without any concerns, that makes me very happy but it bothers me that I still don't know why I didn't take care of myself for ten years.
I'm turning thirty-three this week and I'm lucky to be alive. I'm very happy that I'm still alive because I'm on the doorstep of my dream and have a family that means the world to me. I never thought I would make it past thirty, I don't know what kind of damage I did to my body in the ten years I didn't take care of myself but I know I did something. I often hear "Get over it, look what you have done over the past five years!!" I can't forget what I did for ten years, remembering how bad those ten years were is what makes me the man I am today. Without those memories I wouldn't be the athlete, man or husband I am today.
I'm on borrowed time, that is tough to type never mind think about. Ever since I was sixteen I have hated my birthday because I didn't think my life should be celebrated. However the past two birthdays that I have had have been worth celebrating. I'm finally happy with the person that I have become and I love that I have goals and dreams in my life. Thursday will be a very special day and I can't wait to spend it with the people that mean the most to me. It will be the days leading up to Thursday that will be difficult.