As a father I'm always thinking about how I will explain certain things about life to "Minnie" and "Sharky"  Diabetes has come to the forefront lately.  As I was picking "Minnie" and "Sharky" up from school, "Minnie" asked "what is that tattoo on your arm?"   I froze, I didn't know how to answer but was able to buy some time as I asked her how she knew about tattoos.  That thirty second break gave me time to think of how I would answer this question and start explaining diabetes to my daughter.

The diabetes question is one that is a lot easier to answer as you are laying in bed asking the question to yourself.  I had done that numerous times, I would think of an appropriate age to talk to them about my diabetes and slowly introduce all that goes with living with diabetes.  It was easy...at least I thought it would be.

In two days I have not fully answered the question that "Minnie" asked.  Right now we are at the point where she knows that the tattoo is for diabetes and lets the police and paramedics know that daddy has a disease that needs medicine.  I clearly over thought my answer as I started to explain about how daddy will be fine but needs medicine I was interrupted as "Minnie" said "the thing (Caduceus symbol) looks like the thing she climbs at the playground.  

Later at dinner I would take my insulin "medicine"  and explained that Daddy needs to do that whenever he eats so that he will feel ok.  "Kind of like how I take my vitamin?"  It might not be the same but the connection is being made.  I never imagined explaining diabetes would be this tough.  It is certainly getting me ready for other talks that "Minnie" and I will have down the road.  I'm still nervous and probably over analyzing everything that I want to say but I love that "Minnie" is asking so many questions.  

For whatever reason I was a little nervous about my appointment with my endocrinologist this morning.  In almost ten years I have never been yelled at or told that I'm doing something wrong.  I mean I came to my endocrinologist with an A1C of 14 and almost dead, if he is willing to take a chance on saving my life why would he be upset with any of the choices I have made when it comes to diabetes.

When the endocrinologist, nurse practitioner, and a nurse all greet you as you head to the examine room you know you have something special!!  After receiving hugs from everyone, I got the "You look good and most of all you look happy!!" from my favorite nurse practitioner.  With that I got my weight, blood pressure and heart rate taken from the nurse before sitting down with the endocrinologist.  

He would look over all of my blood sugars and was very happy with my blood sugars while training and racing.  He then got into the new smart pumps and how great the diabetes technology would be in the very near future.  I have learned that I can be very open and honest with my endocrinologist which is huge.  "A pump doesn't work for my lifestyle, the technology is amazing but how many endurance athletes have tested the smart pumps?  Yes my A1C is a little higher than when I used the pump but my blood sugars are better when I'm racing (pre and post) I'm happier and having a lot less lows"  I sat back and was interested to hear his response "Ryan I know that and love what you are doing.  I want you to try a new sensor though so we have a better idea of everything that is going on blood sugar wise."

That is when he introduced me to the FreeStyle Libre!! A product that has been available in Europe but is slowly making its way to the states.  He has been letting his patients test drive the product for two weeks and has seen tremendous results.  Although I won't be able to see my blood sugars whenever I would like, I will be going back to my endocrinologist in a week.  At that appointment we will sit down and look at all of the information and make changes to my insulin doses.  It also means I need to get a bike ride, long run and a "bad" meal in in the next seven days so I can see just how my body reacts to all of those events.

I almost wish I could meet with my endocrinologist once a month!!  Today made me feel so good everything in my life.  My endocrinologist, nurse practitioner and everyone at the office are like family!!  I spent fifteen minutes showing everyone pictures of Kate, "Minnie" and "Sharky"  I mean that makes my day.  Yes I'm there for my diabetes but diabetes is my life and everyone at the office cares about every aspect of my life because at the end of the day that makes my diabetes.

It has been a little while since I last wrote, I'm sure some people are upset with that but I have a very good reason.  I have been recovering from bronchitis as well as celebrating my diabetes diagnosis.  Friday was my diabetes anniversary, 26 years since I sat in Westerly hospital as a little boy not knowing what had just happened to my world.  I'm not going to sit here and write about the many ups and downs over those 26 years, I have done that far to much.  Instead I'm going to do the opposite and talk about what the the next 26 years will bring.

"If you run the 100-yard dash with people that can't run as fast as you, yeah, you'll win hands down. You know that. But if you run with people much faster than you, yeah, you might come in last every single time, but your time will be better."-Quentin Tarantino 

That quote has brought a lot of change to my life.  Yes I have a god job, I can run well, and I'm in charge of my diabetes but I want more.  I have my dream job in my mind and I have had a little taste of that, I'm stuck and don't know how to get where I want to be.  The same is true when it comes to my running career, I'm not the fastest but my mind is strong and long distance races might be my calling.  Finally diabetes, I'm in charge and very happy with my A1C and my management but it can be better.  I can always be better!!

My life and social media feeds are filled with people that are better than me.  I look at Facebook and see what I believe is a true friend that is running the Boston Marathon as a speed workout for an Ultra Marathon!!  If that doesn't make me feel like crap as a runner I don't know what will.  Yes it makes me angry but it also motivates me to work harder and to be better.  I'm trying my best to become an ultra runner because of him.

I also have friends on social media that have an A1C that I dream about having!!  Their lifestyle might be a lot different but I still want that number.  Shooting for what I believe is a perfect A1C makes me a better, father, boyfriend and son.  Better blood sugars before, during and after a race make life better for everyone in my life.  At the end of the day that is my always my goal, have perfect blood sugars so my life and the people in my life are happy.

Five years ago I never thought I'd be where I am today.  Last year I never thought I'd be where I am today.  As I have sat back and looked at everything in my life I can't help but smile and cry.  It hasn't been easy but I love everything in my life, I love the outpouring of support when I posted that I was living my 26th year with diabetes.  It's not about the number of likes but it is the messages and private messages that I received.  I won't go into detail about those but they all brought a tear to my eye.   My view of the world has changed tremendously in 26 years, I can't thank everyone enough for motivating me.  I hear I'm the motivation for so many but I wouldn't be where I am today if it weren't for the people that are better than me.  You are the ones that make me work the way that I do.  You are my role models and you're the reason that I will never ever give up!!  Keep running those ultras, keeping posting those perfect A1Cs and keep posting about the difference you are making in the diabetes world because it is motivation for everyone in this world that is living with diabetes!!

The internet is an amazing and inspirational place, we now have news at our fingertips and we are able to connect with people that we would have never even heard of if it weren't for the internet.  From Facebook to Twitter anyone living with diabetes is able to connect with others that are living with diabetes, this has allowed so many of us to ask so many about what works for them when it comes to managing diabetes.  

As an athlete living with diabetes I have been able to connect with so many professional athletes that have helped me in my journey.  For almost a year I have been seeing posts about one gentleman named Roddy Riddle.  Roddy was a suggested friend and I figured he looks like he runs I should add him and see what he does.  I quickly learned that Roddy is an amazing endurance athlete that wanted to finish the 6633 Arctic Ultra Race.  Like many of you I had no idea what this race was but I knew it sounded cold from the name.  I would learn more as I explored the 6633 Arctic Ultra website.  

Roddy would enter the 2016 Arctic Ultra and I would follow his training and would look at his posts and think how does someone train to cover 350 miles in sub zero temperatures?  Day after day I would see Roddy post about his training and how much he wanted to finish the race.  Roddy would run the 2016 race but would have to pull out of the race due to injury.  As I sat at my computer and saw that Roddy had to pull out a part of me felt bad, I mean how does someone deal with that at a race like the Arctic Ultra.  I mean this isn't your local marathon where you can heal and find another race in a couple months.  Roddy would have to wait an entire year to get his revenge.  For a year not finishing would sit in Roddys mind, would it motivate him or would it break him.

All year I learned that it would not break Roddy, the 2016 race made him stronger!!  He trained with one goal in mind, finishing the 2017 6633 Arctic Ultra!!  Just like 2016 Roddy trained day in and day out, did everything and anything to not only prepare himself mentally but also physically.  As Roddy signed off Facebook to run the race I hoped that I wouldn't see a post from Roddy for about a week or so.  Days would pass and no posts from Roddy, that made me feel good because I knew Roddy was still in the race and doing all that he could to finish.  Then on March 17th, I saw a video of Roddy crossing the finish line and celebrating with the Scottish flag!!  He had done Roddy Riddle had finished the 350 mile 2017 Arctic Ultra!!

Not only did Roddy finish he came in 2nd!!  He was also the first Scottish person to ever finish the grueling race!!  We all need to celebrate what an accomplishment this was and what Roddy has taught all of us.  Time and time again people will hear that they can't do something, they will hear that it can't be done.  People will throw things at us saying "Why would you do that, it's dumb!!"  "No Scot has ever finished what makes you so special?"  No matter what people say you need to keep working and keep chasing your dream.  In chasing your dream you will prove to others that anything is possible.  Roddy has done this and more, Roddy has inspired not only myself but anyone living with diabetes!!  His story is one of inspiration and determination!!  No matter what other people say you can do it!!

Going into this weekends race I was expecting to PR and finish around 1:40:00, up until Wednesday night everything was going as planned.  My body felt great and training was perfect.  I may not have set a PR but the NYC half was just what I needed for my 50k training.

It's very simple if this was any other race I would have skipped it, my body was feeling like crap and I knew running a half marathon would do more bad than good.  As Kate, Jared and I boarded the train early Saturday morning I was not myself.  Rather than being hyper and excited I was coughing and extremely tired.  Sleeping for most of the ride did nothing but I would find ways to keep going as I needed to get my bib and do some sight seeing.  Getting my bib was one of the highlights of the weekend, my running idol, Stephen England was working the pacing booth.  I quickly grabbed my bib and shot over to the pacing booth to say hi to Stephen.  After exchanging pleasantries Stephen and I got talking about running and our goals for the upcoming season.  What I got from this fifteen minute conversation was motivation, hearing Stephen talk in such a positive manner about chasing his own dreams made me believe in myself and reassured me that I'm chasing a dream but that it is possible.  

All weekend I received nothing but positive reinforcement form Kate, I can't put in to words how much it means for someone to fully trust and believe in you.  She knew I shouldn't have run, not once did I hear "Don't run, you're to sick!!"  Instead I was hearing words of encouragement, "grab some water, you can never be to hydrated for the race" "great blood sugar, you're going to kick ass tomorrow"  Was Kate nervous, of course but her delivery was key, her outlook was and always is positive and she believes in me.  That helped tremendously as I ran the race.  I did have Kate keep her thoughts on a notepad on her phone all weekend and her feelings are below and a good little read before I get into the race itself.

"This race is a little different from all the others. Usually I go to sleep the night before knowing that everything, blood sugar wise, is where it should be the night before and with that waking up knowing you'll be fine throughout the race. This time running around a few days before grabbing decongestion medication and knowing that you're under the weather just a few days before the race is worrisome. When you cross the finish line tomorrow they're will be be excitement of course, but also a little bit of relief. You made it, you finished, and will hopefully have great numbers. However I am excited for the race because you've been looking forward to it for months now. 

Waking up in the morning, I had completely different feelings about the race than before I went to sleep. "Should he race? Should he not? Do I say something?"  So I decided to just have total confidence in your choice, you know your body well enough. I think I may have been more nervous than you were on our way to Central Park. You went off on your way and I started getting really excited walking through time square and exploring the rest of the city. Until I looked down and realized it was already 930 and then my stomach turned and I started thinking, "how is he going to find us at the finish? What are his levels going to be at? Am I going to find him fast enough in case he needs his tester?" Suddenly I realized I can download the 1/2 marathon app and track your bib number. I had a sense of relief when I saw you were still moving along. As soon as the tracker stopped when you crossed the finish, the feeling came right back... scanning the area through hundreds of runners to find you. Once I saw you I was at ease. Normally, I never have these questions before and during a race. By having my knowledge and background I scared myself a little too much. I couldn't be anymore proud of you finishing in a reasonable time given the circumstances and especially finishing with your blood sugar in an awesome range. I love watching you cross the finish line, it reminds me every time how lucky I am to be one of your biggest supporters and fans!"

Personally I was extremely nervous as I waited in the corrals for the race to begin.  I was having trouble breathing and dizzy, I knew I was sick but also knew that I could run and finish the race.  As I hit the start line the adrenaline took over and I was running like I was feeling fine.  My first mile was finished in just under nine minutes and I said to myself "Perfect keep that pace until the 5k mark"  The problem was that pace quickly fell apart, I would hit the 5k mark at 27 minutes but I was still feeling ok.  Then the fun started, I tried to pickup the pace as the Thomas the tank engine theme song came on my ipod (motivational song to make me think of Sharky) ten minutes later I was looking for a bathroom so that I could puke.  All I remember from mile four until mile ten was trying to find a bathroom to puke, chanting M&M as I passed the M&M store in Time Square, finding a bathroom to puke, and do I go to the medical tent.  The second time I puked was at mile nine after having a gel to try and get some nutrients.  As I puked I fell to my knees and wanted to just lay down and sleep.  I knew I was in a bad place but sat down on the toilet and gathered myself.  I sat there and thought about quitting, I then thought about my life, Sharky, Minnie, and Kate.  I'm not going to try and explain all of that but how could I quit after everything that has happened in my life, how can I quit after everything Sharky, Minnie and Kate have taught me about life.  Quitting was not an option.  I also heard my running idol Stephen England in my ear "I can't quit a race because I can't quit diabetes!!"

I would find a way to finish the race,  I finished in a time of 2:15:00.  Does the time matter? No, but it does piss me off that it took so long.  At the same time I learned that it was perfect training for a 50k and honestly that is how I will remember this race.  My goal is to run a 50k a 50 mile race and a 100 mile race.  I want to be an endurance runner.  I know that the half marathon will push me in May when I run my first of many 50k races.  My body will hurt and I will want to quit but if I can almost pass out and run a race with bronchitis then I can finish any race no matter the distance.  The time of any race doesn't matter, what matters is what you learn and the person that you become once the race has finished!!  No matter the time or what happens I'm just happy that I can finish a race that almost had me in the hospital with a blood sugar somewhere between 100-120!!  That more than anything was the most impressive part of the race!!

It has been a very interesting few days leading up to running the New York City half marathon. A chest cold has been taking its toll on me since Wednesday night but I'm feeling well enough to run tomorrow morning. As always my goal is to PR in the race, that is still possible but will be tougher as I have been coughing like a guy who just smoked a pack of cigarettes.

The good news is that everything has been perfect when it comes to blood sugar management. The only challenge that diabetes presents this weekend is taking four less units of my long acting insulin this evening. For the past month my blood sugars have been falling out of range around 9am, a small tweak to my insulin amount will allow me to race to the best of my ability without having to worry about my blood sugar falling out of range.

Besides having a cold the weather could be another factor. Earlier in the week they were calling for 3 inches of snow on Saturday night, right now the storm looks as though it will be going further south and I may just see a few snow showers while running. It will be a bit chilly and windy but again nothing I can't handle.

I'm beyond excited for the half and can't wait to hear the crowd as I run out of Central Park and into Times Square. It is one of the best running moments of my life!! Having Kate and one of my best friends with me for the weekend has me smiling and excited for the weekend ahead. I will have fun and I will be smiling, I may puke while running but no matter what happens I'll be happy with the results and excited to celebrate with two amazing people at the end of the race!!

When I was a child I would watch the Weather Channel religiously!!  I loved everything about weather and would even try to predict storms as they approached.  From the age of seven and even today my mother asked me how bad a storm would be, most of the time I just parrot the weathermen but I'm not that bad at predicting a hurricane or winter storm.  In about thirty hours the cozy apartment that Kate and I have will be hit with yet another blizzard.  We have gotten the usual winter storm supplies such as water, bread, milk, batteries, wood for the fireplace, insulin, test strips and insulin pen needles.  Living with diabetes has me not as worried about bread, water and milk.  I'm more worried about having all of the diabetes supplies that I may need.  I have all of my glucose tab tubes next too our bed.  Will that help if we get snowed in for a week?  I don't know but it makes me feel better, also when is the last time you heard about someone being snowed in their house for a week?  I have a feeling Kate and I will be just fine.

I'm obviously excited about the blizzard but it does make training for the New York City half marathon  a little tougher.  I have my bike trainer in the apartment and will definitely be using it all week but what about running?  My hope is to get some miles in on the treadmill if the apartment office is open Tuesday or Wednesday.  I will also try to get short runs in on Friday and Saturday before the race on Sunday.  I have a feeling I will be just fine but the strongest part of my body will be fine no matter what happens.  Mentally I'm prepared for the race and know I will be just fine.  I'm not worried about the pain or the cold on Sunday.  It took me almost five years to realize this but racing is all mental, how much pain can you take is what racing is all about.  In the past the pain won around mile ten, trail running has taught me that I'm so much stronger than I ever thought.  The pain will go away, my brain may want me to stop but I know that I can keep going.  It is just a matter of telling myself that it's possible.  I now believe in myself and I'm given support from so many people that believe in me on a daily basis and that has changed everything!!  A blizzard and cold temperatures won't ruin the NYC half marathon for me!!

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Eventually everyone gets to an age where they are able to retire. Most of us can't wait for that day, we love our jobs but being able to stay home with loved ones or the ability to golf every morning is what retirement is all about. Unfortunately my endocrinologist is getting close to the age where he can retire. I'm happy for him but scared what this means for me and my diabetes. Is that selfish? Yes but what do I do without the guy that saved my life.

My endocrinologist taught me how to love diabetes and showed me just how great this disease can be. He knows about my dreams to be an endurance athlete and has done all that he can to make that dream a reality. He knows everything about me and my diabetes. I have not begun a search for a new endocrinologist because I'm nervous to do so. My endocrinologist is like my father, we have a great relationship and he is always there when I need him.

It will take a while for me to find never mind trust another endocrinologist. This may sound a little strange but I wish I could conduct interviews to find the perfect endocrinologist for me. I have begun to talk to close friends that are living with diabetes, they have endocrinologists that they love, maybe one of them will be right for me. The patient is the one that is in control of his or her diabetes but the endocrinologist sets the ground work and the one that knows us better than we know ourselves. My search won't be easy, I just hope I can find an endocrinologist that has been as great as the one that I have had for the past eight years.